I have been through a lot of big life changes over the last few years. Through all that, there has been confusion, uncertainty, doubt, fear (lots of fear!), pain, sadness, grief and loss. It's fair to say that my heart has been hurting for awhile. I've had good days and bad days. Some days I was able to get out into the world and function with a smile on my face, doing my best to mask my hurt. Other days, I needed to retreat from the world, lie on the couch all day, fill pages in my journal, and/or cry it out. I listened to my body and my heart and let that guide me in terms of what I most needed for my healing each day.
Several years back, I asked the Universe to help me open, heal, and soften my heart. In order to do that, I needed to be shown all the old wounds, fears, limiting beliefs and negative self-talk, patterns and habits that were blocking me. And the best way to see those is through life experiences and relationships with people (all relationships, not just romantic). So the Universe brought exactly what I needed to learn, grow, heal, and open. And I needed to show up and do the work. Some of my life changes were initiated by me, as I saw what was no longer a fit for me and where I wanted to be. Other changes and situations were brought upon me. Through each change, whether I chose it or not, there was loss, grieving, and hurt.
After a few years of this deep learning and big change, I got to a point where I literally pleaded with the Universe, "enough already... I'm exhausted!" I just wanted all the life lessons to stop. I felt beaten down and lost. But each time, I chose to keep moving in spite of the pain and difficulty. I dove deep into self-observation and self-reflection, paying attention to what I needed to learn from each situation. I started to see when old patterns would emerge and became clear on how my own thinking and behavior was causing a lot of the turmoil in my life. And now, I'm finally feeling like I'm coming out the other side. I've learned a lot about myself. I've evolved into a better person. My heart feels open. Softer.
I know now that this work will probably never end for me. I believe it'll be a life long journey. And I'm okay with that, because it's connected to my life purpose.
The reality is that shit gets hard sometimes. And for anyone out there who may be hurting and trying to keep that to yourself, I get you. It's unfortunately become kinda taboo to talk about the hard days and the pain, and sometimes we just don't feel like sharing that part of ourself with anyone... I know I didn't always want to.
Just know that you are loved.
Today, I woke up feeling so grateful and full of joy. My heart literally feels like it could burst open. I have so many amazing people in my life, each offering support in ways that only they could, sharing their gifts, their talents, their hearts with me. This woman is blessed.