The relationships we have with other people are calling us toward a higher level of self-understanding. People come into our life to help us learn about our self and where we still hold old emotional wounds. We all have unhealed places in our heart and these old wounds can't be released until they are exposed and we become aware of them. If we pay attention to what triggers us in our relationships with other people, we can come to know our wounds and the blocks to love that we have created; then we can work toward healing. As we learn to forgive in our relationships, we begin to heal. As we begin to heal, we learn to open our heart more fully and become more loving. We need to make the conscious choice to heal, and we need to be open to learning from each of our relationships. This takes a commitment to self-inquiry, self-awareness, and self-understanding.
The feelings and emotions that I have felt in response to my relationships are signals about something going on within myself that needs to be acknowledged, healed, and released. I have to remind myself that in most cases, people don't do things with the intention of making me irritated or angry. So if that's how I'm feeling, I need to inquire into the emotion to understand why I'm feeling that way. Often these feelings are a signal to something deeper - a need I have that's not being met (such as need to be acknowledged, a need to be respected, or a need to be heard).
Sometimes my feelings are signaling that I'm feeling ignored or unloved in a relationship. And if I'm being completely honest, I've had to do a lot of work in this space. I've spent many years believing I'm not loved. It took a lot of deep self-inquiry and self-reflection to understand that feelings of unlovability were running deep. In most cases, when I felt like someone didn't love me, upon a deeper self-inquiry, I realized that I wasn't doing a good job of loving the other person, or that I wasn't doing a good job of loving myself
I've found it helpful to use my journal to help me reflect on what I'm learning in my various relationships. As I interact with others, whether acquaintances, co-workers, colleagues, friends, or family, I pay attention to when I am triggered with strong emotions such as irritation or anger. When I feel like someone is "pushing my buttons" or find myself blaming someone else for something that is not going the way I want it to, that is a signal to inquire into the situation and explore why I am feeling so triggered. When I feel triggered by a relationship, I explore the situation fully in my journal, using questions such as the following:
It seems that we all go through phases of life where it feels like a struggle to complete what we’re *required* to do, let alone spend any quality time doing anything we really *want* to do. When we do finally find a few minutes of “free” time, we are so exhausted from running around all day that we don’t have any energy remaining for our loved ones or doing something that we would really enjoy. I've been there. I didn’t have time for hobbies, fun, friends or family. My life had become a never-ending sprint. I talked fast. Worked fast. Walked fast. Drove fast. Ate fast. I was always on the go because there was always stuff that needed to be done!
It wasn't until I became a mother that I realized how burned out and exhausted I had become from hurrying around all the time. All the speed and activity was sucking the joy right out of my life. After my daughter was born, I was blessed to spend four months at home with her. During this time, I slowed my pace waaaaay down. I had fewer commitments and I didn't feel the need to rush around all the time. I lived by my own schedule and wasn't racing against the clock every step of the way. After I returned to work and was immersed back into a hurry-and-get-stuff-done culture, I realized that I needed to make a big change. I was tired of living at the speed of light and I eventually left that job and started my own business.
Our achievement-oriented culture sends a strong message that we are only as valuable as what we produce. We're focused on productivity, efficiency, speed, power, achievement and “success.” And if we feel like we're lacking in these areas, then we feel "less than" or that we’re failing in some way. We're “on the clock” and racing against the clock. We have too many commitments, too many “urgent but not important” things that we need to do each day. But overall, we have less time available for leisure, we spend less quality time with our family and friends, and we have little left over for our personal and spiritual growth.
Now that I have my own business, I'm still busy. I still have a lot of things to accomplish each day. But after years (and years!) of practice, I've learned a few key lessons. I still pack my days pretty full. But now, I ensure that what I spend my time on is important to me - I choose those activities that will bring a sense of fulfillment and joy. I make time for what's important - the most important work tasks, the most important people. I leave time for fun, hobbies and play and make time for personal and spiritual growth practices. So yes, I stay busy and active. But I don't feel rushed. I'm not in a hurry all the time like I used to be. As much as possible, I work mostly on my own schedule versus when others tell me I work. Obviously when we work for others, we aren't always able to do this. BUT - we can choose work that connects to our core values and brings a sense of fulfillment and enjoyment.
Real transformation does not happen quickly; it takes time. Slowing down and making time for our personal and spiritual wellbeing is critical. When we are moving so fast, hurriedly racing toward the future, we aren’t experiencing or enjoying what is happening now, in this moment.
Could you use some support in learning to release the busyness so you can focus more time and energy on what's most important? Send me a message and let's schedule a complementary consultant to see how I might be able to help.